Without You My Days Blur Into One
by LaynaKnight
Summary: You need to read The Little Recruit through Chpt. 49 before you start reading this. These are the emails that Ranger is sending Steph (corresponding Chpt. 47 of Little Recruit) that she refuses to read. If you have Spotify, search for my user # 12308948 & look at public playlists. The songs enhance the emails/story.
1. Ranger's Emails Chpt 1 - I'm Sorry

AN: This email corresponds with Chpt. 47. I just couldn't post these until after I posted Chpt. 49 when Steph mentions the emails.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso**

 **August 30, 2002**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: I'm sorry**

Babe,

I know you don't want me to call you Babe, but I always will because you'll forever be my Babe. I know it doesn't seem like that right now, but it's true. My life and responsibilities have changed more than I could have imagined in the last week, but I'm still in love with you. That's not going to change.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was in shock, upset, and angry about the situation. I know that doesn't make it right, but I didn't know what to say to you. No matter what though, I should have called you.

I don't think words can ever express to you just how sorry I am. This whole situation is incredibly unfair to you. I can say that Rachel or I received the worst part of this deal, but that would be a lie. Even though I don't want to be a father now, or maybe ever, I know I'll love the baby. While I'm gaining that, I know you feel like you've lost everything—our friendship, hope for the possibility of us, and to top it off Abuela—all because of my decisions. One day I hope you'll realize that you never truly lost any of that. I will always be your friend, even if you currently despise me, and I'll support you in any way that I can.

I love you. I hope one day you can forgive me and give me another chance. I know it won't be anytime in the near future, but I refuse to lose hope that one day there will be a _us_ and that we'll have our someday.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Tyrese's "I'm Sorry".


	2. Ranger's Emails Chpt 2 - All Apologies

AN: This email corresponds to the time frame in Chpt. 47 of Little Recruit.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso**

 **September 7, 2002**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: All Apologies**

Babe,

I was hoping to hear from you. Dumb, I know, but I'm not giving up hope that I'll be able to earn your friendship again.

Things haven't been going well with Rachel. I'm sure you don't want to know about it, but you are the first person I want to talk to about everything. For obvious reasons I didn't call you, but I wanted to, desperately, because your opinion is the one I trust the most. I don't know what to do when it comes to Rachel. The whole thing is fucking nightmare, but Rachel is making it exponentially worse.

I know it's my fault that we're not talking. Well, I'm writing, trying to keep some form of communication with you even though I think you either deleted or are ignoring my last email. I'm sure you'll do the same with this one as well. I'm just going to continue to write until you forgive me. Or I die. Whichever happens first.

I'd say it's 50/50 odds right now. The guys and I are shipping out for a "short" mission. You know how that goes though. The intel on this mission looks half-assed. I talked to your uncle a few days ago about Rachel and the baby. He agreed that I'll only do short missions through the end of January so I can be there for the birth.

Beyond those two concessions the talk with the General didn't go over so well. Not that I expected him to be happy with me. I just wasn't expecting such an explosive response. My left eye is currently swollen shut (three days later). For a guy in his late 50s, he has a wicked right hook. I actually kind of like the headache he gave me. It's a different type of pain to focus on.

After talking to your uncle he dragged me back to the house where he spoke to Marjie. Then I got an hour long safe sex lecture and demonstration. She whipped out a banana and condoms and gave a demonstration. She made me show that I knew how to put a condom on a banana. I told her the lecture is a little late. She told me her main concern was you (as it should be) and then she made me promise that when (her word choice) we get together we'll use two forms of protection so we don't have any unexpected pregnancies. I guess your aunt thinks you'll forgive me at some point. I'm using that to bolster my hope.

I told her all I can hope for right now is that you'll be my friend again. I love you and hope that one day we'll be more than friends, but as Les pointed out, I'm lucky you didn't take me out when I came to talk to you last week. Hoping for more might be delusional on my part, but I think I'll keep dreaming.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Nirvana's "All Apologies". Maybe you'll believe Kurt over me.


	3. Ranger's Emails Chpt 3 - I Miss You

Takes place before Little Recruit Chpt. 48

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso  
** **September 30, 2002  
** **To: Stephanie Plum  
** **Subject: I Miss You**

Babe,

I'm sorry and I miss you. I don't think those six little words express just how much I regret everything. All my decisions that drove you away.

In addition to ruining us, I'm now bringing a child into this world with a mother that would rather drink and do drugs than be a parent. I remember my mom always telling us to choose who we want to be with carefully and only have sex with those you love. I wish I had listened to her advice. Then I wouldn't be in this situation, wondering how I can take care of a kid by myself.

I'd be tempted to say this was a Karma thing, but I'm pretty sure Karma wouldn't hold my sins against an unborn child. At least I hope not. I'd like to think babies start with a clean slate.

I wish I could hear you reassuring me that things will be all right. I need you. I miss you. I'm sorry. I hope that one day you'll let me be a part of your life again.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Incubus' "I Miss You".


	4. Ranger's Emails Chpt 4 - Happy Birthday

AN: This is a _very_ short update. I'm trying to have Ranger's emails catch up to the chapters in the Little Recruit.

Takes place a little before Chpt. 48.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso  
** **October 12, 2002  
** **To: Stephanie Plum  
** **Subject: Happy birthday**

Babe,

I wish I could tell you "happy birthday" in person. Even a phone call would be preferable to email, but this will have to do since you still refuse to talk to me.

Happy birthday to the strongest, sweetest woman I know. I hope this year is better than this past year.

I love you and I'm sorry.

Forever yours,

Carlos


	5. Ranger's Emails Chpt 5 - The Last Song

Takes place right before Chpt. 48.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso  
** **November 20, 2002  
** **To: Stephanie Plum  
** **Subject: The Last Song**

Babe,

It's almost Thanksgiving. The General said you'll be home to celebrate. As much as it kills me, I promise to stay away.

I've known for years that you were my soulmate, but I tried to keep you at arm's length for so long because you were too young. I also knew I was too irresponsible and immature. So, even though I had been starting to let you into my life as more than a friend this past summer, I wasn't prepared for how much your refusal to have anything to do with me would affect me…I didn't realize that you breached every single one of my defenses.

I miss your smile. I miss how your eyes light up when you see pineapple upside-down cake. I miss how you moan with each and every bite of some delicious food. I miss my best friend. In short, I miss everything about you. I know it's all my fault. If I could just see you, see you smile, see that you're okay – at least a little bit – maybe it would lessen the tightness in my chest. I can't breathe without you.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Theory of a Deadman's "The Last Song".


	6. Ranger's Emails Chpt 6 - Unintended

AN: Corresponds with Little Recruit Chpt. 48

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso**

 **November 30, 2002**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: Unintended**

Babe,

I'm glad you let Les back in your life. I hated that your relationship with him was another casualty of my decisions. Beyond that…I know he's your backup. He'll protect and help you now that you won't let me. I'm sure you don't look at it that way, but it's one of the few things that makes me feel a little better when it comes to you.

This distance is killing me and I hate myself for this. I hate myself for breaking your heart. If I could go back and make different decisions, I would. In a heartbeat.

For now, I just have to wait…wait for the baby to be born…wait until I can get a divorce…wait until your anger subsides enough that you might consider talking to me. Until then, I'll try to fix me. I love you.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Muse's "Unintended".


	7. Ranger's Emails Chpt 7 - Merry Christmas

**Carlos Mañoso**

 **December 25, 2002**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: Merry Christmas**

Babe,

Merry Christmas. I hope you get everything you wanted.

Les gave me a stocking. It was filled with "coal", i.e. chocolate cookies that look like pieces of coal. I think I'd appreciate the gag gift more if I could share these with you and listen to you moan in delight with each bite.

I love and miss you.

Forever yours,

Carlos


	8. Ranger's Emails Chpt 8 - Happy New Year

**Carlos Mañoso**

 **December 31, 2002**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: Happy New Year**

Babe,

I wish I was spending tonight with you. Happy new year. I hope 2003 is a better year – for all of us.

I love and miss you.

Forever yours,

Carlos


	9. Ranger's Emails Ch 9 - Here Without You

AN: Corresponds with time period in between Chpts. 48 and 49.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso**

 **January 7, 2003**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: Here Without You**

Babe,

I'm in Miami. I'm here and you still refuse to have anything to do with me. I don't blame you. I just hope you forgive me before I'm old and grey. I hate knowing I'm close enough to see you, but I can't.

We just got back from a mission a few days ago. It was a cluster fuck. Sometimes I wonder why I do this. Half the time the intel we get is so bad that it's a miracle we get out with our lives intact. Les is going to have a couple wicked scars by his ribs, not that he cares. I was providing cover and and immediately after he got shot, he quotes Keanu Reeve's character in _The Replacements:_ "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory…lasts forever." Of course Bobby was working his ass off to stop the bleeding and stitch him up. Meanwhile Tank broke another car window when he was trying to jimmy the lock so we could get the hell out of there. After the mission, I told Tank he should just break the car windows if he wants to steal the car. It'd be a hell of a lot faster and with the same result. If it wasn't for Bobby, I swear we all would have died five times over. He's the real MVP of our unit.

It's my weekend to "babysit" Rachel. Yes, you read the right – if you haven't already deleted my emails you would know she can't be trusted. We realized right after she moved in with Abuela that the only thing she wants to drink and do drugs. I'm betting that's probably the real reason why her parents kicked Rachel out of the house. While being a father wasn't on my priority list, I don't want any harm to come to the baby. I'm sure now that you know the sordid truth about Rachel and wonder if the baby is mine. I don't know. I wonder, too. We're getting a paternity test done immediately after the baby is born.

Abuela has been making sure Rachel takes care of herself and doesn't let her out of her sight unless I come down to Miami to give her a break. Dealing with Rachel is the last thing I want to do, but right now she's my responsibility. I'm exhausted and my nerves are shot. I really don't know if I'll be able to keep my cool with her this weekend.

What I really want to do is spend time with you, hear your voice and laugh, and see your eyes sparkle when you tell me a funny story. I want to know what you've been up to, how school is going, if you have summer training plans. Not knowing what's going on in your life is awful. Nobody will even tell me if you're doing well. Don't get me wrong, they're still my friends and family, but for the most part anything to do with you is off limits. I think that's their way of castigating me. I know I deserve much harsher punishment, but it still stings. Before everything happened, before I royally screwed up, you used to tell me everything. It didn't matter that we were hundreds of miles away. Now I truly feel the distance.

One day I hope you'll respond. I need you in my life.

I love and miss you.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to 3 Doors Down's "Here Without You". Maybe this will convince you that I love you and carry the memory of you wherever I go.


	10. Ranger's Emails Chpt 10 - Your Winter

AN: This email was written between Chpt. 48 and 49 of Little Recruit.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso  
January 14, 2003  
To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: Your Winter**

Babe,

We just got another assignment today and we're leaving at 0500 tomorrow. The lack of prep is scaring me. Yeah, I know. I never admit to being scared. I'm still working with Hannah. She has me working on acknowledging my emotions instead of suppressing them. I told you I was going to take this time to fix myself and I am.

A big part of my fear of this mission is that I'll die on some mission and we won't have bridged this huge gulf between us. I suppose that's a common fear – to die with unresolved issues with a loved one. The thing is that I don't care that I'm still in some sort of silent dispute with my parents. I don't care that it would likely bother them if I died and we hadn't made up. But with you…I don't want it to be that way for you. Even though I know you currently loathe me, I know that you also loved me long enough that you'd be upset if I died and we hadn't come to some kind of resolution.

So if I don't come back from this mission or die before you stop hating me, know that I love you. And I understand that I'd hurt you more if I was in your life now than I do by not being in it. I'm not upset with you. I just wanted to let you know that.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Sister Hazel's "Your Winter".


	11. Ranger's Emails Chpt 11 - Wash

AN: Takes place during Little Recruit Chpt. 49

 **Carlos Mañoso**

 **February 2, 2003**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: Wash**

Babe,

We made it back and we're all fully intact. I know you don't care about me, but I know you still love Les and like Tank and Bobby. I figure you'd want to know about them – if you're not deleting my emails. The mission actually went off without a hitch. I think we were all shocked and relieved. I hate exfiltration missions. Someone almost always gets seriously hurt.

I know we've lived fast and loose lives – though I have changed that – and it might seem like we think we're invincible, but we know we're not. We just want to make sure that we live our lives to the fullest extent because we know everything can change in an instant. I know that sounds like we're ready or accepting of death and I kind of think before everything happened I was.

I'm not now though. I have too many things in my life to fix before I die. I'm trying my damnedest to right my wrongs. I think this situation is caused by my bad karma. It also makes me think that I'm not a good enough person to raise a child, even if I spent more time stateside. I need to do a lot to improve my karma before I'd even be remotely good enough for you or the baby.

The baby is due at any time. I'm driving down to Miami so that I'll be there for the birth. Most days I think being a responsible adult is overrated. Today is no exception, but the condom broke. So unless the DNA test comes back negative the baby is my responsibility. That terrifies me.

Selfishly, I wish we were talking just so I could hear you say that you believe in me, that I could be a good father. You always knew what to say to make me feel like I could accomplish anything. I guess I need that now. I know you wouldn't tell me that now, but I can't stop wishing for it.

I'm fairly certain you don't read these. I write these as a never-ending apology to you, but also as a way to document all of our time spent apart. I want you to know that you were always on my mind, the first thing I think of when I wake up, and my last thought of the day. On the off chance you decide to let me back in your life in the distant future, you'll have the option to read about everything.

I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Lifehouse's "Wash". You're my sunshine.


	12. Ranger's Emails Chpt 12 - Happy V-Day

**Carlos Mañoso**

 **February 14, 2003**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: Happy Valentine's Day**

Babe,

Happy Valentine's Day. You'll always be the love of my life.

Forever yours,

Carlos


	13. Ranger's Emails Chpt 13 - The Scientist

**Carlos Mañoso**

 **February 16, 2003**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: The Scientist**

Babe,

The baby was born yesterday. We named her Julie. We got the paternity test, but I don't need to wait for the results to know that she's mine. She looks just like me. It's strange, these conflicted feelings I have. When she was born, I immediately fell in love with her. I'd do anything to protect her and keep her safe.

During the whole pregnancy I felt guilty and regretful because I broke your heart. I wouldn't let myself be happy about her. Now I get to hold her in my arms and feel this overwhelming love for her, yet at the same time she represents every dumb decision I made and the pain I caused you. I don't want to regret that night with Rachel because I don't want Julie to think I didn't want her. She'll get enough of that from Rachel. But I do regret that night. It should have been you. _You should be Julie's mother_ , not Rachel.

I wish I could go back to the start and redo that night. I wish I could go back months before that and just admit that I needed help. I wish I admitted then how much I loved and needed you (and still do). I didn't want you to see me like that. I guess I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt I should have been strong enough to handle everything on my own.

It's amazing how one bad decision can snowball.

Just know that it should have been you.

I love and miss you. You don't know how amazing you are. I hope one day you'll let me tell you just how much.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Coldplay's "The Scientist". I'm going back to the start. I hope one day, in the distant future, you'll meet me there.


	14. Ranger's Email Chpt 14 - Out of Breath

AN: Big thanks to my wonderful beta, Got2BeBabeFan who is sick and still took time to edit this.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso**

 **March 1, 2003**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: Out of Breath**

Dear Babe,

I feel like my emailing you might be the most our relationship will ever be. I know you'll likely never respond, but I keep on writing and living in the hope that one day you might forgive me enough to be some small part of your life. I refuse to stop hoping.

I didn't tell you in my last email, but I tried to see you the night that Julie was born. Right or wrong, most likely incredibly selfish, I desperately wanted to talk to you. You ground me. You make the impossible seem possible. You are the distant light in my darkness.

That night I needed you to tell me I can be a father. I was terrified and deeply in love when I first held Julie. I am a special forces soldier. I take lives. I don't keep them alive. And now I have this 7lb., squirmy little baby that's reliant on me – not as dependent as she would be with a regular, sees-his-kid-every-day dad, but nonetheless, she's a helpless baby.

You're one of the few people that know and understand the dichotomy between my work and personal lives. I guess that's one of the biggest reasons I think I can't be a father – at least not a good one. And even though we're not even talking, your opinion is still the one I value most in this world. I guess I wanted you to tell me that you believe in me, that I can do this whole dad thing.

You have this crazy ability to give me confidence and courage when I'm lacking it. I remember that I felt like I could take on the world when you said you thought I'd make a good Army Ranger. I also felt like that when I told you about my PTSD and you said that you knew I could learn to manage it, to beat it, to reclaim my life. You're one of a kind. You're such an amazing person and you don't even realize it.

You have no idea how beautiful you are. Your eyes are stunning and expressive. They can dance in amusement one moment and then shoot looks that should kill a man in the next. And no matter what you do, I swear you always have this endearingly ornery little twinkle in your eye that makes me wonder just what type of mischief you might get into next. I remember first seeing that twinkle during Basic when you were planning how to get back at Morelli. All I could think about once I got past how startlingly blue your eyes are, is that you would change my life. I don't know how I knew that then, but I saw that when I looked into your eyes.

And your hair – it's beautiful. I know you hate it, claiming it's unruly and wild, but I love your hair. I think epitomizes you. It's a little wild, uncontrollable, totally unpredictable (at least during bad or humid weather), and a lot of fun. You're a little wild and uncontrollable, not that I'd ever want or try to control you. You're the strongest person I know. No matter what happens, you always come out of things stronger than you went in. You're unpredictable in the best ways. I never know what you'll do, but it keeps me on my toes. And you're the person I have the most fun with. You make me remember that we need to enjoy life. I love all these things about you.

You never say things that you don't believe. You don't pretend to be something you're not. You're this beautiful (inside and out), strong, genuine woman. And that's why I'll keep waiting.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Lifehouse's "Out of Breath".


	15. Ranger's Emails Ch 15 - When You're Gone

AN: This takes place between chapters 52 and 53.

As you know I have a Pinterest board for TLR. I use a lot of different things for inspiration and organization. So I thought you guys might also like access to all of the songs I listen to or use throughout the stories. I created two public playlists on Spotify. (It's a free app that you can download and listen to music. If you hate listening to the occasional commercial, you can always pay for a premium account. I have a free account and haven't had any problems with it.) All you need to do is search for "Little Recruit" and "Without You My Days Blur Into One" and they should pop up. The playlist for TLR has, I believe, every song I mentioned throughout the story. I chose the majority of the music for TLR based on what would have been popular at that point in time in the story. The music for WYMDBIO reflects Ranger's moods and thoughts. I think it enhances the reading experience, so give it a listen.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso**

 **March 31, 2003**

 **To: Stephanie Plum**

 **Subject: When You're Gone**

Babe,

I miss you, knowing what is best for you. Even though it's hard, I have to continue carrying on living my life without you, but there are just some days when getting out of bed doesn't seem worth it. Those days seem like quicksand. I pray that you don't have similar days. I feel a little better knowing that Lexi would be there for you like Les and Hannah have been for me. They are my lifesavers on my bad days.

And yes, I'm still going to see Hannah. I promised you in one of my earlier emails that I would work on myself and I'm keeping that promise.

Hannah has me on a strict diet — it is even healthier than what I was eating before. Everything is organic. Processed sugars are out. I now drink green smoothies for breakfast and I stopped drinking alcohol entirely. I have a stricter, more diverse exercise plan, too. When we started figuring out what would work best for me, my symptoms, my life, all I could think was how much you'd hate this part of my treatment plan. You have no idea what I'd give to hear you protest that pineapple upside down cake and Ben and Jerry's are comforting and healing in their own rite.

That's what's been going on with me. How are you? What's new? How's school going? Are you still breezing through all of your classes? Lexi made an offhand remark about you being home this summer. (And don't worry; she clammed up right after she let that slip. So, if you purposely asked everybody not to tell me anything about you and your life, they're doing a good job at keeping their word.) What are your plans? How did you get out of all the insane training they have had you doing for years now? I hope you get to enjoy your training-free summer and I hope you're happy.

Am I wishing for too much to hope that you're doing well and happy? Is it too soon for you to recover enough to be happy again? I have a feeling it will be years before you can look at me without what I imagine would be hate and hurt marring your beautiful eyes. And I don't mean that to sound conceited, I just know that I hurt you terribly. I know that I'm not happy and I don't want that for you. I want you enjoying life and having fun. You deserve happiness and everything good in this world.

So this might sound crazy, but I want you to move on from me and the pain I caused if you haven't already. I'm not saying I'll stop loving you, that I won't pursue you later, that I'm giving up my hopes for us. I'll hold onto my love for you for all of eternity, but I love you enough to know and acknowledge that I'm not good for your emotional wellbeing right now. (I'm just not strong enough to cut off all contact like I probably should for your sake. That is part of the reason why I email you.) I'm not saying to forgive me; I'm saying don't let what I did keep you from moving forward. Meet new people and date. Do whatever you need to do to find your happiness.

Maybe I should stop emailing you. If I stopped, do you think you'd heal faster? Would you be happier? Do you read these? Maybe I should email you less often. Would that be better? At this moment I don't know what the best is when it comes to you.

If you read this, please respond, if only to tell me what would be best for you.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to the Cranberries' "When You're Gone".

* * *

AN: And on a light note, now you know why Ranger eats rabbit food. ;)


	16. Ranger's Emails Chpt 16 - Like a Stone

AN:Happy Tuesday, everyone! I hope all is going well with you. Here is another email installment. As always, please read and review. Your comments are great because they let me know if my writing is clear or my message is being lost.

* * *

 **Carlos Mañoso  
June 30, 2003**  
 **To: Stephanie Plum**  
 **Subject: Like A Stone**

Dear Babe,

Tonight was the first time I've seen you since last August. I guess it's a little bittersweet to me. Seeing you just reminded me again how much I miss you, your friendship. You looked good – happy, healthy. And that's what's most important to me. You had your sparkle back.

I'm sorry that we interrupted your date. We had no idea you'd be there. I hope you and Bryce had a good time. You chose well. He's a good, honorable guy. He'll have your back and more than that, he'll understand anything you have to deal with workwise.

I had no idea you knew Julie. I seem to be saying "I had no idea…" a lot in this email. Thank you for everything. Thank you for watching her and giving Abuela a break. Thank you for obviously being great with Julie. It's obvious she loves you and you adore her. It would have been really easy and understandable for you to have nothing to do with her. Your relationship with her is a testament to what an amazing woman you are.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Audioslave's "Like a Stone".


	17. Steph's Email - Chpt 17 - Shimmer

AN: Happy Easter, Purim, and any other holidays I might be missing. I hope you all get to spend time with your families :)

I know a lot of you asked before about ASFoS and I had responded that I planned to finish the story. Since then, I have changed my mind. I apologize if you are disappointed. I'm going to try to turn it into an original, publishable book. I hope you understand.

* * *

Stephanie Plum  
July 31, 2003  
To: Carlos Mañoso  
Subject: Friends…of a sort.

Hi Ranger,

This seems weird…corresponding with you again. Sort of. A couple nights after I saw you I started reading the emails. I got about halfway through when I stopped and went to talk to Lexi. She gave me what I think is some good advice. It took me a couple of weeks to finish reading them and then a couple more while I decided what action I wanted to take, if any.

I know I'm not ready for a full-fledged friendship and I'm not sure I ever will be, but maybe we could be pen pals. That way I can sort of ease into being friends again. And then I can decide later if we can be _friend_ - _friends_ that actually see and talk to each other occasionally. I'm just not confident that I can have any sort of relationship beyond being acquaintances. But after thinking for a really long time and probably too much wine consumption, I came to the conclusion that I'd be cheating myself and you if I don't at least _try_. I make no promises though. I also reserve the right to end our pen pal-ship at any point in time.

And Julie…she's a pretty awesome baby. I attribute that all to Abuela. No offense, but I just can't give you any credit for how totally amazing Julie is. I wish I could say I was a better person, but I didn't exactly _choose_ to have a relationship with Julie. I basically avoided her at all cost until Lexi forced me meet her. Then it was love at first sight and I just felt…drawn to her. Does that make sense? Maybe it's because I always felt that my own mother never wanted me, so I felt a kinship because I know what Julie will go through. Maybe it's because she is _your_ _daughter_ , and even though I cut off contact with you and ended out pseudo-relationship, you still hold a special (albeit very small) place in my heart. Or it might just be that Julie is all kinds of awesome and it's really impossible not to fall under her spell unless the person is heartless.

So I think I've written enough. I think this might be the most awkward email I've ever written, but…I think it's impossible to start a sort of friendship after everything that happened without some awkwardness, right?

I hope you're safe. Don't get shot.

Steph

P.S. Listen to Fuel's "Shimmer".


	18. Ranger's Emails Chpt 18 - Beautiful

AN: I know you all expect a TLR chapter today, but I'm trying to post chronologically. This email happens between Chpt. 55 and Chpt. 56. Hope you all understand. :D

* * *

Carlos Mañoso

August 2, 2003

To: Stephanie Plum

Subject: Re: Friends…of a sort.

Babe,

I don't even know how to respond other than to say _thank you_. I know that emailing, while in the grand scheme of things might seem small to others, is huge for us. It's something I've actively prayed for. I know your faith is something that you have actively questioned, but in the last year I've relied on it.

Your desire or lack thereof to have a relationship with Julie, initially speaking, isn't important because after meeting her, you gave her a clean slate. You didn't hold my fuck-ups against her. That is such a huge, selfless thing to do. And even if our "pen pal-ship" fails, know that I will forever be in your debt. I would have done anything for you regardless, but I can _never_ repay the kindness you have shown Julie.

I take no offense to you attributing everything good about Julie to Abuela. She is Julie's saving grace. She's given Julie things I can't — a stable home, a routine, a sense of safety. You have helped to contribute to those things also. Out of everyone, from what I've seen, what Abuela told me during my last visit, Julie chooses you above anyone else.

How was school for you last year? What does this coming school year look like? Are you still doing your million majors and minors? I have no idea how you do it. Sitting in class was always torture to me and last we talked, you had a very heavy class-load. How did you manage to get out of training this summer? I hope you were able to finally enjoy one of your summers.

I don't know when I'll have a chance to respond if you email me back anytime soon. We're heading out on a mission in a couple days. It's really hard for us to figure out an approximate timeline for this one. Just thought I'd let you know.

I love you.

Until we talk again, don't go crazy.

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to the Smashing Pumpkins' "Beautiful".


	19. Steph's -Ch 19- Never Let Me Down Again

AN: I know, I know. You all want a TLR chapter. It's coming up. I promise. This email comes before Chpt. 56 though. I have lots of chapters written, edited (Because my beta is _awesome!_ ), and ready to post. So I shouldn't have a problem getting chapters posted even though I plan on doing Camp NaNoWriMo this month.

Have a great weekend everyone :D

I'm going to quote one of the readers' reviews here for Steph's thinking at this point in time.

* * *

Steph: "Well, I'm GLAD he's going away on a mission, because I want to wait at least a week to reply to his email. On account of not wanting to seem too anxious to pick up our full relationship too quickly. More like casual friends or even just acquaintances. Yeah, that's it. OK. Good plan..." - PhillyGirl27

* * *

Stephanie Plum

August 11, 2003

To: Carlos Mañoso

Subject: Re: Re: Friends…of a sort.

Ranger,

Hey. I feel like writing you should be easier than this. I've stared at my laptop now for a good hour trying to figure out what to say. It's not like I plan on discussing serious topics like politics, whether Iraq really had WMDs, or us. Lexi just told me I'm being an idiot and am making this more difficult than it really is. Talking about superficial stuff should be easy. I guess I'll start with answering your questions.

The school year wasn't bad. I finished my Arabic minor already. I'm in the 400-level Spanish classes. They take more effort than a lot of other classes because writing and reading long books in another language is mentally exhausting. I'd talk about some of the books we read, but I'm pretty sure you'd rather have a root canal than read and discuss Isabel Allende's _La Casa de las Espíritus_ or some crazy philosophical essays by Borges. [The House of the Spirits]

I admit I hated Borges. I chucked my compilation of his essays at the wall which left a dent that I had to fix. Philosophy isn't my thing in English. Having to read it in Spanish was beyond painful. I totally questioned my sanity of having a Spanish major when I had to read those damned essays.

I got out of summer training because I did two-week project with Bryce in February. It was actually pretty fun. If every project was like that one, I'd have no qualms about working outside of the office.

So instead of some insane training program, I have an internship with the FBI. OMG! I almost wonder if they purposely had me do the most boring, trivial crap to motivate me to work outside of the office. I swear my butt was numb by the end of each day. _I hate my internship._ The only upside is that I have had a lot of free time. I actually had the chance to do the beach thing and hang with Lexi each night. I've also spent a lot of time with Julie, which might have been the best part of this summer.

So…what have you been up to since everything? I did read all of the emails. It looks like you had a lot of missions. Did Les really quote _The Replacements_ when he got hurt? I ask that even though I can totally imagine him saying, "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory…lasts forever," while he's gushing blood.

I guess I'll ask one serious question. Did you ever manage to get a divorce from She Who Must Not Be Named?

Writing you started getting a little easier in the middle. Maybe we can make this work.

Don't get shot.

Steph

P.S. Listen to the Smashing Pumpkin's "Never Let Me Down Again".


	20. Steph's Email - Chpt 20 - Watching Julie

AN: Here's a quick email. Now it's time for me to go back to my Camp NaNoWriMo project. Have a great week everyone :)

* * *

Stephanie Plum

August 26, 2003

To: Carlos Mañoso

Subject: Watching Julie

Hi,

I don't want you to worry, but I'm going to be watching Julie for a while. I know I left you a voicemail, but I thought I'd email you, too. I don't know which you'll be able to check first, but I'd want to know immediately that Julie was being cared for if I was in your shoes.

Abuela is in the hospital with walking pneumonia. And even when she's discharged, she won't be up to taking care of Julie for a while. So I said I'd take care of Julie full-time. Lexi and I already moved the majority of her stuff into our apartment. (Your daughter seriously has more clothes than Lexi and I combined! What the heck?!) The only time I won't be watching Julie is when I'm in class. Lexi and her mom/your aunt will watch her then.

I just wanted to let you know. Don't worry about Julie. I have her covered.

Don't get shot. Seriously. Julie needs you.

Steph


	21. Steph's Email - Chpt 21 - Milestones

AN: Steph wrote this email shortly after TLR Chpt. 57.

Thanks for your patience while I catch up!

* * *

Stephanie Plum

September 9, 2003

To: Carlos Mañoso

Subject: Milestones

Hey,

So even though you're still gone and not Julie's primary caregiver, I figure that Abuela probably let you know when Julie hit her milestones.

Last week Julie finally figured out how to sit up. It was actually really cool to watch her. She is totally your child. She never got frustrated. She just continued to try again and again. She has your determination, for sure. And the smile she had when she finally sat up was so beautiful. I wish I had a camera around to take a picture when she finally suceeded.

She also just got her first tooth. It's on the bottom. I might have had an almost-panic attack. I picked her up and her cheeks were pink, she had a low-grade fever, and a rash around her mouth. I was so scared something was actually wrong with her, but then I read the baby development book I got when I started taking care of Julie. She had all the classic teething signs.

Don't get me wrong. I love Julie and I'm actually really liking watching her, but this whole taking-care-of-a-baby thing is kind of terrifying. It's a totally different type of stress than I've ever dealt with before, but she's worth it.

Anyway…I just thought maybe you'd want to know.

Don't get shot. And maybe don't shoot Les, even though I'm sure you're tempted.

Steph


	22. Steph's Email - Chpt 22 - Legal Guardian

AN: It's a cold and dreary day here. I read your guys' reviews for TLR and I understand where you're coming from. If I respond to reviews, whether you like or dislike the chapter, I typically write the readers individually. But there were enough of you who were upset with this development, essentially saying that this is the end of Steph's life.

Yes, Steph is young. Yes, it's a huge responsibility. Yes, some of you wouldn't want to be parents at such a young age, myself included. That doesn't mean that's the _only_ right way. Please keep an open mind. Everyone is different. I have family members and friends who had children at a young (by today's standards) age and they wouldn't change how they did things. I wrote Steph to be an incredibly loving, strong, and accepting character. Her becoming legal guardian holds with that characterization.

Some of you were upset that Steph's had all this training and won't likely go out into the field to use it. Yes, that's true, but she's doesn't really want to be in the field because her specialty is sharpshooting. _She_ _doesn't want to kill or seriously maim anyone._ (Sorry, if that sounds familiar, it's similar wording to something Dobby said in HP7A, but Dobby wanted to seriously maim.) She doesn't have the stomach for it. This is a very valid reason as to why she will refuse to go out into the field on dangerous missions. While working in an office might not be appealing at this point in time, she did have a very boring internship where she all she did was file a lot of paperwork and get coffee for people in the office. Nobody is going to like that unless, to be blunt, s/he lacks a brain and that is as challenging work as s/he can handle.

I'm also planning for Steph to go back into the field a little bit, but on very safe, intel-gathering missions. So just because she is going to be Julie's legal guardian, doesn't mean she's going to abandon her training entirely.

Have some faith.

* * *

Stephanie Plum

December 11, 2003

To: Carlos Mañoso

Subject: Legal guardianship

Half of me wants to yell at you for not talking to me about legal guardianship and then other half wants to hug and kiss you for entrusting me with your daughter. I guess I should explain, right?

I just got back from the rehab facility where Abuela is currently staying. She went back to the hospital in the beginning of this month with pneumonia. Since this was her second bout of pneumonia in such a short period of time, they looked for other possible causes. Her arteries were clogged, causing congestive heart failure, and she needed six stents. So now she is in a facility so she can do her cardiac rehab, but the doctors think she'll be fine.

I took Julie to visit Abuela because I knew it would cheer her up. I also asked her if I could take Julie with me back to GA for Christmas. I haven't been home in months and really want to visit. When I asked, Abuela talked to me about becoming Julie's legal guardian. She wanted to talk to me now because she doesn't know when you'll be returning from your mission and with her health…well, she was concerned.

Abuela really wanted you to tell me and in my position, I agree. I'll become Julie's legal guardian without a problem, but it still makes me a little uncomfortable because I'm hearing what you think is best for Julie second-hand. It's such a big responsibility that I guess I just want to make sure you really feel that way. I believe Abuela and I know now that you guys already had the paperwork started with the attorney, but I guess I still have a little doubt about it. So I want to yell at you for it, but I know that's totally unfair. I didn't exactly make it easy for you to approach me to talk.

I'm sorry about that. Cutting you off like that wasn't kind or fair. I understand you were in a shitty position and that you did what you thought was best given the circumstances. Loving and caring for Julie…I really do understand why you did what you did now. You had to put her first. And considering Rachel and how she didn't exactly take to motherhood, whether you knew that about her or not, it was for the best that you married her. It made getting full custody of Julie so much easier.

Looking back at everything…I'm not angry anymore. Tired, resigned, wary…I'll admit to those. I hate how things are between us, but I've accepted this undefinable type of non-relationship that we have. I don't trust you not to hurt me again. And I think that's why having a friendship, a _real_ friendship, not our pen pal-ship, terrifies me. There are so many times that I've wanted to pick up the phone and talk to you or email you about stupid daily stuff, not just Julie. And I pick up my phone or laptop and then I get this wave of anxiety-induced nausea and I stop before I ever dial your number or type a sentence.

I know that you trusting me with Julie is huge. Who cares for one's child in case of emergency, tragedy or, in your case, multiple deployments and missions, is the _ultimate_ exercise in trust. And I love Julie so much that, even though basically everything related to interacting with you makes me break out in a cold sweat or want to puke, I will learn to deal with it for her. You deserve to have as much contact and time with her as you can and vice versa. I know your time is limited. So I promise I will do everything in my power to keep you involved. I'll email you more. And I'll try to travel up to GA more often so that you can see her more often. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to be unable to see her daily. My heart broke every time I returned her to Abuela and she's not my flesh and blood. Also, I bought a Nikon Coolpix on my way home today so that I can email you pics of Julie on a regular basis. I hope that helps.

So…I guess that's everything. Thank you for entrusting me with Julie. I will do everything in my power to love, care for, and protect her.

Don't get shot.

Steph

P.S. I'll send pictures of Julie later tonight after I figure out how to transfer them to my laptop.


	23. Ranger's Email-Chpt 23-A Matter of Trust

AN: Hope you all have a great week! I'll post again next week :)

* * *

Carlos Mañoso  
December 20, 2003  
To: Stephanie Plum  
Subject: Re: Legal guardianship

I should have talked to you. Abuela and I thought she would be able to care for Julie longer. I guess I'm in shock that she had heart problems and is now in cardiac rehab. She's always been there for me. To me, my mortality seemed more at risk than hers. So that's why I didn't talk to you sooner. I really thought Abuela would be okay with Julie for a while longer. That's selfish, I know, but I think most people take for granted that the people who raised them will always be around.

This is really a conversation that needs to take place face-to-face, but I'll try to explain some now.

After Abuela, you are my first choice to watch Julie. Though for you, I hoped it wouldn't come to this. You're still in college and I know it's asking a lot to care for my daughter. You're not the one that made a poor decision. While I wouldn't trade Julie for anything in the world, ideally I would have had her when I was older. But I haven't been the one that's really had to deal with the consequence (Or gift, because Julie is the ultimate of blessings.) of having a child. As you know, with my enlistment, I haven't had the opportunity to be a hands-on father. My life hasn't really changed, but ultimately yours will. It probably already has. And I can't thank you enough for caring for Julie. Words can't express my gratitude.

Julie needs a female role model in her life, preferably one who has an inner strength that most people don't have. Abuela has that and so do you. I think you're probably a stronger person than Abuela; you've dealt with more at such young ages than she has. And you are still living your life, have goals, and are the best person I know. Most people would have screwed up lives and be cynical if they were in your shoes. You're the most accepting, loving person I know. I should add forgiving to that list now. But still, I didn't want or feel comfortable to ask you to watch Julie for a myriad of reasons. I know I messed up everything between us. To ask you to care for Julie is asking for too much. I know that. Besides the fact that I thought…I _hoped_ that Abuela could care for Julie longer, that is why I didn't talk to you about this. It was definitely presumptuous for me to talk to the lawyer before talking to you, but I wanted to start that just in case something happened to me. My will is up-to-date, but Julie's custody wasn't. Obviously.

I hope we can talk while you're in GA. The doctors said we can return to base on Christmas Eve. Can we talk then? Or soon after?

Forever yours,

Carlos

P.S. Listen to Billy Joel's "A Matter of Trust".


	24. Chapter 24

AN: Still on hiatus. I don't have the time to write in order to post on a regular or even semi-regular schedule. Leave me lots of reviews. I had to work with Grumpus today (my nickname cannot be more fitting, seriously) and I'm in an awful mood. Your reviews cheer me up.

Lots of love!

* * *

Stephanie Plum

March 4, 2004

To: Carlos Mañoso

Subject: Thank You

Saying thank you seems insufficient. I got more than eight hours sleep last night for the first time in I don't know how long. It felt so amazing to wake up and feel semi-rested.

I know I was difficult yesterday when you suggested Tía Lucia and Tío Jaime watch Julie last night. I suck at asking for help. Most of the time it just feels wrong, but considering that today is the first day I feel like I can think straight in a long time, I definitely need to consider asking them for help more often. Thank you for making me see that.

And thank you for the dinner, dessert, flowers, and bath goodies. It was nice to be cared for and pampered. It's kind of amazing how good you are at that considering you're in a whole other state.

Thank you for giving me the time to rest and take care of myself. Sometimes I need to be hit over the head with a 2x4 to realize that I need to do that. I trust that you'll do that — figuratively, of course.

See you Friday.

Always,

Steph

P.S. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I decided to skip my Fri. afternoon class and fly up instead of driving. So we'll see you in the afternoon or whenever you're done with work. Julie's excited to see you.


End file.
